By Funke Egbemode
These men and women who go and ‘kiss the mic’ on a popular radio programme in Ibadan, Oyo State, please whose children are they? Who raised them? Sure I enjoy the programme tremendously too. I am not ashamed to confess that when I’m tensed or trying to control my temper, I rack up old broadcasts and they crack me up. Tension gone, temptation to lash out verbally violently at an offender overcome. I then call up my house-keeper who is an Ibadan woman and we laugh some more.
Whatever informed the creation of that programme was well thought out. I mean life is hard in Nigeria enough without all the analysts and columnists dredging up our failings and failure day in, day out on television, newspaper pages and worst still on social media streets. Who wants to be reminded of our painful past, troubled present and dreary-looking future, all the time?
The comic relief of four men fighting over the paternity of one child or one woman trying to prove, in conk Ibadan dialect, why she slept with two of her husbands’ friends and went on to have a child whose paternity is now in dispute, is always welcome, right? Note that there are three men now in contention for the ‘ownership’ of that child: the man who actually paid the dowry and his two shameless friends who sucked in through the window. It’s even worse when a mother brazenly holds the mic and justifies why she ‘collected’ dowry from two men based on her needs and size of her debts.
I should be ashamed of what my fellow women are doing but imagine how low this poor girl is feeling this minute that pump price of fuel is torturing me like real PMS (I mean pre-menstrual syndrome), I definitely won’t mind a little distraction and laugh.
The stories from that radio programme are as infinitely entertaining as they are ridiculously scandalous. I’ll serve you summary of a few.
Three men went to the mic, claiming ‘ownership’ of two children. Yes, two children, three fathers. One of them, a middle-aged vulcanizer actually sold his equipment [the one he used for his business] to help the mother in question here settle her debt. Don’t ask me if that was love, lust or plain stupidity. And while the back and forth was going on, the shameless mother said the child could not possibly be the vulcaniser’s because he did not fully settle her debts!
Right. Did you say ahhhhh? In other words, if you help me pay my debts, I will dash you one child. If you don’t pay in full, you lose the reward.
Then, there’s this grandmother who raised her granddaughter alone until the latter decided to get pregnant. According to her, one of her lovers, Ibrahim, slept with her on July 27 and the second one, Suberu, ‘knew her’ on August 1. Women, we know these things. Sometimes, DNA tests are not necessary. Just ask the recipient, she will tell you the authentic donor. Anyways, the pregnant Arike said Suberu is the father of the baby. Grandma however insisted the true father was Ibrahim. Please don’t laugh. Grandmothers sometimes know what mothers don’t. In this case, Ibrahim had maintained a steady supply of money, food and beverages to Grandma. That was what influenced Grandma’s DNA results. The old woman put her feet down and threatened to strip herself naked and curse this recalcitrant girl who Mama believed was determined to deprive her of the fruits of her labour.
And then, there’s the ‘Eleha’ [a woman in purdah] who went to the program to call on Nigerians to help her pay her hospital bill. She had had her baby through caesarean section and had been in the hospital for one whole month because her husband abandoned her in the hospital.
So why are we here? Watching a mentally-challenged person display insanity in the market square is entertaining but we all pray for a sound mind. That’s why we must look beyond the entertainment content of these DNA controversies and paternity embarrassment. We must stop clapping at this madness at our village square, interrogate the societal malady and see beyond the comic relief.
What kind of a grandmother decides the paternity of a child based on who among the ‘contenders’ brought more ‘Milo and Bournvita’? Why should the father of any child be in contention in the first place? How did we get to the sorry point of having men contest the paternity of a child, openly?
What’s worse? More men are asking for DNA test of children born in holy wedlock. Women in purdah (Eleha), wife of Pastors are now being found with their pants around their ankles in shameful circumstances.
How did motherhood descend to this sheol? Where are the fathers, the real fathers whose claim to manhood goes beyond what’s in between their legs?
Culled From Tribune Newspaper
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